David and Lara's Adventures

Our journey through life, infertility, and adoption

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Mushy Brains

On more than one occasion the past few weeks, I have had someone ask if I was the one having the baby. My brain has literally gone to mush. I forget what I am saying mid sentence, and I am not remembering what I am doing from moment to moment sometimes. My brain is seriously overwhelmed. So, I guess it is not just pregnancy that makes your mind go before you have a child!  

Another contender to my “pregnancy brain” is a new pal I like to call grief. And, wow, is it always present. I spend hours thinking about my dad, about our crazy year of loss, and find myself in the midst of pain; which leaves me wondering how everything can be so different. I looked in the mirror today, and had trouble finding the person I knew. Not because I am looking at someone I don’t like, but because I am looking at someone I don’t know. The barren couple, the couple who lost their friend, the daughter who lost her daddy… I feel like I am watching my life happen to someone else, and when I realize it’s me, the numbness takes over. Grief is exhausting. Grief is hard. And yet, it is one of the most healing and meaningful experiences of my life, thus far. I have found comfort in the words of a book I have been reading, On Grief and Grieving. (We would both highly recommend it!) “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same.”

During those breaks of numbness, I’m left with a profound sense of thankfulness of what I do have. (I told you it was a meaningful process.) I owe a lot to my sister, who talks to me every day, replacing the talks I had with my dad on my way home while he was sick. (Well, my dad and I talked a lot before that, but not always on a daily basis) And my mom, who makes sure I check in every few days, just so she can hear in my voice that I am okay. My family, every branch of them, seriously rocks! And David, my main squeeze. My marriage to David is, hands down, my favorite thing about this life. He has been there in every way I have needed him to be. Wrapping his arms around me in the moments I have needed them, and remembering to ask deeper questions when all I can express are tears. The other day, I was cutting up meat for dinner, and just burst into tears. Not my usual reaction to cutting meat, but I am quite unpredictable to myself these days. He quickly got up from what he was doing to give me a kiss on the cheek and just held on for a second.

The reason for the tears was one cute little boy named Owen. (Don’t worry, I will explain in a moment) His parents are our best friends, and they graciously let us watch him for the weekend. It was a nice practice run for our impending parenthood. He came out unharmed, well rested, and well fed, so I guess we passed the test. J It was fun to play parents for a day and dream about what our lives will look like in just over a month. Now, to explain to tears…watching that little boy walk around my house saying our names just melts my heart. (We are wawa and day-day) This is enough to prompt tears, but they came from a different place this time. For a moment, I was just a little girl who wanted her dad. I wanted to be that little, walking around with so much innocence and so much joy. I wanted to just be loved like crazy by the people around me and that would be enough. And loving like crazy is a trait I always remember about my dad. Was he perfect? Oh, definitely not. But did he teach me what loving like crazy looked like? YES!  Life just gets complicated as we grow up. But, I guess that doesn’t mean that growing up isn’t worth is, it just means that we learn to mourn because we learned to love.

I thought I would leave you with some pictures of our nursery. It is definitely a work in progress and we are still trying to find time to paint some canvases for artwork on the walls. (You will see pieces of paper taped to the wall, which will eventually be those canvases.) It is ready for our baby though! The middle picture even shows the car seat with the packed baby bag all ready to go. Bring it on!




3 comments:

Lara,
Thank you so much for this truly open post! I cannot begin to understand the feelings you are going through, but I appreciate it so much that you are trying to help us understand a little. We all love you so much and just want to do anything we can to help brighten your day! Isn't God great at surrounding us with just the right people! We are so excited for you guys and can't wait to see you in a few short weeks! Sending love and hugs! Holly Brazle
 
Lara,

Thank you for your honesty in this post. So glad that we got to chat the other night. I'm so excited for you and David, and I pray that you will feel God's love and peace in the coming weeks. Can't wait to meet the little man!

Love,
Hannah
 
Thanks for sharing Lara. I love what you said about Owen. I just love seeing you and your friends grow and share life together with all its ups and downs. I am praying for you and Sara as you miss your dad. And, I'm praying for your boy to arrive safe and sound and soon.
Sara
 

Post a Comment